Daughter of Sion...Chapter Two Up

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I think I corrected all the mistakes and fixed some of the problems with the plot. thank you all for the help.

enjoy.

CL

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Chapter One

Jadyn couldn’t see at all. Everything around her was in darkness. It was as if she landed in the middle of a black hole by accident, but that couldn’t be right. Humans can’t survive in space. That’s impossible. She didn’t take three years of Science for nothing. Tentatively she reached out into the darkness hoping to feel something, to have some notion of where she was.

Think Jad; think dammit, what did you get yourself into this time?

When she couldn’t feel anything, she hit her head a few times thinking that would jog her memory.

Why can’t I remember anything?

Well, she remembered some things like her name, she was Jadyn Evelin River Teel, she turned seventeen only yesterday which happened to be the 30th of October, and that she lived on 3124 Crescent Avenue in Surprise, Arizona, the most boring place in the whole world. Things like who her parents were (Peter Teel and Lillian Maken Teel) and what school she went to (Clear Lake High) and that she had three brothers (Jeremy, Fred, and Mikey) were things she doubted she’d ever forget. But for the life of her, she couldn’t remember what had happened in the last twenty four hours.

She reached out into the dark again, nothing. Nothing except the stone cold expanse under her feet which felt like crude cement.

Then she had the worst feeling. It crept up on her slowly, smelling of mildewed bread and flat beer. As the feeling swept over her, she instant knew the feeling. It was as if someone or something was coming out of the darkness, and was after her.

The fear had constricted her throat so when she erupted out of the dream into consciousness, her breaths were labored and fast, taken in as if she had been half drowned.

Jadyn always woke up before the end of her dreams. She hated that, nothing ever got truly interesting, ever. The same dream had plagued her for weeks. The darkness, the curiosity, and then the fear berated her mind and senses and each night she’d wake up before out what was so terrible that made her shiver in fear. Into the silence her alarm blared a well known rock song and Jadyn reached over and nailed the mute button with her palm. Turning to look at its luminescent face which flashed 6:00, Jadyn groggily made her way out of bed and into the bathroom.

Jadyn rested her elbows on the sink as she took one last look before running off to catch the bus. She concluded she really wasn’t much to see, just a regular plain jane. She hated her long dark straight hair that would never curl and thick eyebrows that would never be in style. She hated her flat form too and a five seven she always looked gangly and awkward in her school uniform, which consisted of a white polo, grey knee length pleated skirt. Black, scuffed Mary Jane’s and her grey knee length socks made her legs resemble a storks’ or flamingos’. About the only thing she was proud of was her name. Jadyn, if she said it the right way, when rolled off the tongue it sounded exotic. But, in school her name became a nuisance especially for substitutes to pronounce.

Her mother’s voice sounded down the hall, “Hurry up, or you’re going to be late.”

Lillian Maken Teel was always rushing people, no one was ever on time for her, and Jadyn gathered that she would be rushing people for the rest of her life.

Jadyn mumbled something before grabbing her slate grey, long sleeved uniform jumper and sprinting out the door, slightly halting to ruffle her six year old brother’s brown hair.

“What about breakfast?” Her mother called worriedly from the kitchen.

Jadyn was down the hall of their complex, book bag flailing behind her, before she realized that breakfast was probably a good idea.

At the bus stop she caught up with two of her friends, Katee Blake and Soren Green. They were sitting together, laughing at something or other when Jadyn trotted up, out of breath from the run.

“Hey girl, you look a bit frazzled.” Soren made room on the bench for her, holding his book bag in his lap.

Jadyn could only manage a nod, as she took a seat between the two.

Katee turned sharply, poking Jadyn in the ribs, “Boo!”

“I think that’s a little childish for my tastes Katee.” Soren reach into his bag, and pulled out the book for English they had to read, Orwell’s 1984, and buried himself in it.

“What Halloween not a good enough holiday for ya? What’s so good about Christmas then, huh?”

Soren rolled his cobalt blue eyes, “I get presents on Christmas. Halloween all I get is little kids bothering me for candy and stupid pranks I have to clean up afterwards.”

Katee stuck out her tongue, “Capitalist.”

“Witch.”

And that was the end of it, Katee and Soren always fought like that and most likely Jadyn would spend the next few hours playing referee. One time, when Soren had insulted Katee’s taste in art and she had chastised his music collection they hadn’t talked for a whole day to each other and Jadyn had to relay everything. With a racket that could be heard from down the street the bus pulled up, and Katee dragged her to the back of the bus. Soren seemed not to notice their getaway as he followed and plopped into the seat right in front of them, eyes still in his book, the spiky black back of his head in full view. Katee growled softly.

“You know there’s no such thing as magic.” Jadyn added quietly.

“Of course there isn’t. What do you take me for, stupid? Do you think that I actually believe that shit, potions and flying broomsticks? No honey I just pretend I’m cultish, just to piss him off.” She gestured with her head to Soren.

“I heard that.” Soren retorted.

Katee gave him the finger, which Jadyn thought it was quite pointless because Soren couldn’t see it in the first place.

The little kids got off first at the elementary and the junior high, and then the bus creaked and croaked, like a large yellow bullfrog, towards Clear Lake High.

On her first day as a freshman Jadyn thought she would surely die, and each day after she had felt the same. So far she had not keeled over. But even with three years of experience and a junior’s upperclassman’s status surviving was on a day to day basis. Including the pressure to be popular, was also the excruciating amounts of homework teacher’s like to give when they believe their class was the only class you had.

The dry heat of the Arizona sun bubbled and crackled on the skin of the occupants of Room 313, as it radiated through the windows, casting yellow hued shadows on books, desks and students, even the dark blackboard. Jadyn felt itchy in her uniform, sweet forming on the back of her neck and pools of it formed in her palms, as she held the clammy yellow chalk. Jadyn peered down at the paper, she had propped on the tray that stuck out from the bottom of the board trying to decipher what she had written.

God, I hate math! When is this day going to be over?

Pre-calculus was her last class of the day, and a poem she read in English came to mind, and seemed so apropos.

I felt a funeral in my brain,

And mourners, to and fro,*

That’s so how I feel today, damn that woman had it right.

Her head pounded with a headache that would not go away, and she wanted to go bang her head on something to get rid of the pain. Her limbs, sticky with sweat were fatigued; Jadyn had felt tired and lethargic all day. As soon as she arrived at school the drowsy feeling had set in.

Pre-calculus also happened to be Jadyn’s worst subject, she was horrible at math, she always knew that. Somehow she had gotten tricked into taking another math class. Her counselor’s word still rang in her ears,‘College’s love when kids take more math and science’. Science she could deal with, math no. And to add on that she was abysmal at it, her teacher Mrs. Holt was out to get her. Everyday even though she knew Jadyn was horrible at figures, she’d ask her to explain at least two problems on the board. When she get them wrong Mrs. Holt would yell in her shrill little voice, that a, she was no good, and b, she was never ever going to get anywhere in the world without knowing math. Most days she got through it and tuned her out but today, when Mrs. Holt started in on her, she just about had enough.

Jadyn stopped hopelessly in the middle of the problem, dropped the chalk, grabbed her bag, and walked out.

“Ms. Teel, where are you going? Ms. Teel you get back in this class now! I’ll call you’re mother...Ms. Teel get back in here right now. I am going to call the office; this will go on your permanent record!” Mrs. Holt cries could be heard from down the hall.

Jadyn knew in the back of her mind that she should care, that she should walk back to class and apologize even for rash behavior, but she didn’t have the energy to care.

By the time she got to the edge of school Jadyn had no idea what she was going to do, only that she wasn’t going back into Mrs. Holt’s classroom. She supposed she could go to the nurse, but then the nurse would call her mother, and her mother would then call Mrs. Holt, and that certainly wasn’t what she wanted. So slowly and deliberately, Jadyn walked off campus, for the first time in her life she was ditching school.

The main street in town was bustling with early morning shoppers as Jadyn strolled downtown hoping no one would recognize her school uniform and then alert a truancy officer. Jadyn never ditched before she feared getting caught and she certainly didn’t want to now. But she just didn’t have the energy or the motivation to go back. As she walked passed each store front gleamed with wild scenes painted by local school children for Halloween, and jack-o-lantern’s and plastic skeletons perched on ledges in windows. Surprise had always been proud of their holiday spirit, whatever the holiday, and Halloween was the town’s favorite. The whole thing was a site. In addition to the paintings, skeletons and jack-o-lantern’s, fake spiders and cobwebs nested in awnings and hung from roof corners.

Jadyn finally ended up in Bricknell Park to lay out on the bench and study the trees. Nature always had a tranquil effect on Jadyn. Ever since she was young she loved going outdoors. But she hadn’t had much time to lately. Resting on the cool stone bench, Jadyn closed her eyes; a short nap would do just fine.

The small park was a little naturalistic heaven in the middle of concrete and asphalt dreams. It was mostly grass, with a few tall oak trees, a swatch of daffodils and two stone benches. There was even an alcove, surrounded by bushes, what kind Jadyn didn’t know except that they came from out of state.

A slight noise as if someone was creeping up on her jostled Jadyn out of her light sleep. At first she thought it was the slight rustling of the leaves, she had always been a light sleeper. Slowly she opened her eyes only to have two emerald green eyes staring back. Jadyn jumped at the closeness and the eyes (the stranger) disappeared in a flash. Jadyn got to her feet, brushed off her skirt and searched the park for any sign of the stranger.

Oh god, Jadyn thought she was going to be sick to her stomach, I’m seeing things again.

Jadyn massaged her head trying to make the headache go away.

When she was little, before her dad left town for the fun and the sun of Miami, and before she knew any better Jadyn would see things, things you couldn’t quiet explain away with logic. Things straight out of fantasy novels, like fairies and dryads and such. Everyone thought it was a phase until she said she saw her dead grandmother sitting across from her at dinner. She was eight and that had scared her mother right into a feint, and her father had taken away all her toys, grounding her to her room for a whole month for scaring Mom. She flinched at the memories of what followed, especially of the doctors she was sent to then, ones who poked and prodded and made her skin gleam feverishly.

Grabbing her bag, Jadyn started to walk back into town maybe she could buy something to calm the acidic wrenching in her stomach.

Jadyn finally settled for a gingerale at Sallie’s, the local diner.

Holly was the waitress, and she didn’t mind who came in as long as you paid.

“Here ya go sweetheart, drink up.”

Jadyn mumbled thanks, before grabbing a straw and taking a seat in a window booth. The red leather squeaked as she slid in, making her skin itchy and her skirt bunch up. Slowly, she sipped her gingerale watching people pass thinking out utterly uninteresting her life was. She lived in the dullest town in the world, had the dullest family, and basically had done nothing with her life since she was born. Jadyn dazed out then, her brain resorting to day-dreaming. The screeching of breaks and burning rubber brought her back to reality. Jadyn looked out into the street.

“Looks like Old Foyer run over someone again.”

Curled in the street was the body that Mr. Foyer had run into with his Cadillac. Jadyn didn’t know how he kept his license; he couldn’t see much of anything at his age. He was already out of his car tottering over to see if the pedestrian was all right, as bystander’s circle the scene. In the distance she could hear the wail of the sirens. Jadyn walked outside then, hoping to see what happened. The figure suddenly got to its feat (Jadyn then realized he was bare-chested and had very peculiar, brown pants on that looked like solid mesh), and spun around like a trapped animal, searching for a way to get out. For an instant Jadyn and the figure locked eyes. Emerald green orbs barreled into her own dull brown. The stranger. With a quickness he had used before the stranger ran in her direction, pushed through the bedazzled crowd and disappeared towards The Park. All Jadyn could do was blink. She felt tired and dazed, and she wanted to go home and sleep. Checking her watch, it was only eleven fifteen; Jadyn took her chances that her mother went to work early and started home.

On Fifth and Baker she made her accustomed right turn into the alley. There he was, the stranger, sitting with his back against one of the stone retaining walls, eyes closed, panting so hard his breath came out in puffs. On his left arm an open wound caught Jadyn’s eye, it was all puffy and red. There were a few more minor cuts on his legs. A large bruise was forming on his naked chest, which only then did Jadyn realize have tattoos covering it. They were intricate designs in purple, green and blue resembling celtic knots she’d seen in books. His nose was broken too, the blood had stopped flowing but it looked slightly swollen. As carefully and quietly as she could Jadyn crept up, knowing the stranger’s skittish mentality to tap him on the shoulder. Before her finger touched him, his eyes were open, and he raised himself up, and it looked as if he was going to bolt.

“No, no, you misunderstand I am only trying to help?”

The stranger just stood dumbly. Jadyn trying to get him to stay held out her hand in a friendly manner. The stranger just stared blankly at it.

Not everyone in this world knows English, but a handshake, is he really that scatterbrained.

Jaydn fished out a handkerchief from her bag and handed it to him.

“Olive branch.”

He didn’t respond to her but took the handkerchief and pressed it to his nose. He hissed as he put more pressure on it.

I can’t leave him here, Jadyn think, think.

“Listen,” Jadyn announced having no idea if he could understand her, “You need to go to the hospital.”

Good, get him to a hospital.

The stranger cocked an eyebrow, “Ital, vareen du paren tanka.”

Jadyn thought her brain was going to melt.

O shit.

Jadyn tried to think clearly through her headache. What he had said was in no language she knew, but as soon as he said those words they felt very familiar, as if she had heard them before.

Forget trying to find out what language he speaks, he has to get some help.

She looked at the stranger then her watch.

Well I can’t just leave him here.

A deep feeling of obligation sweep through her.

Home is so close.

Jadyn motioned for the stranger to get up, reaching for his arm as he faltered, their eyes met again. Jadyn felt a strange tingling sweep through her body and she lowered her eyes and bit her lip, as she always did when someone stared. Her headache seemed to waver, and fade away when he held her eyes. Jadyn motioned for the green eyed stranger to follow her, and he thankfully did.

Jadyn put the key into the lock and opened the door.

Thank god Mom’s not home. So fix him up, then hospital.

She gestured for the stranger to come inside. Jadyn felt suddenly ashamed of her humble dwellings and wished she had cleaned up more. When they got to the kitchen she sat him down on a high stool and went to find her first aid kit. Frantically Jadyn tore up the entire bathroom, finally finding the first aid kit in the back on the bottom drawn under the sink. Taking two large breaths Jadyn went back to confront the stranger.

One thing at a time, Jad.

He was sitting quite steadily on the stool. This was the first chance Jadyn really truly got to see him, and his presence almost knocked the wind out of her. Sure he was handsome with his short but shaggy auburn hair, green eyes and muscled, tan body. But there was something else, a kind of presence he commanded in the room that awed her. A warm feeling spread through her extremities. Then she was staring. He caught her staring and across his handsome face broke a sincere smile; Jadyn almost dropped the kit but saved herself by clutching the box with her fingers.

God Jad, you’re such a fool.

Jadyn set the kit down and poured a glass of water from the sink. The stranger flinched slightly at the sound of water in the tap and looked on with peaked curiosity as the water flowed out of the tap and into her glass. Curiosity spread over his face as he watched her turn off the tap.

Taking out a new towel from the drawer she dabbed it in the water and began to clean the deep gash in his arm.

He hissed through gritted teeth when she made contact.

“Are all men such babies?”

Jadyn started dabbing the wound, “You have no idea what I am saying right now, do you?”

“Apparently not.”

Secretly she was ecstatic, this time she wouldn’t make such a fool of herself.

“You know,” She finished cleaning the wound and opened the kit, “I’ve only been to one first aid class in my life.”

The stranger turned towards her and for a moment she thought he understood her but he seemed uneasy when she didn’t continue.

It took a while for Jadyn to clean up all his cuts and scrapes and she had no idea what to do about the bruise which now was purple and black, forming rings on his practically hairless chest.

Jadyn closed the kit and put it back in the bathroom, it was a disaster area in there, but she have to clean it later. Taking a detour into her room and stepping over the piles of dirty clothes and books she made her way to her closet. After searching for what seemed eons she found exactly what she wanted.

“You can go around like that, you know, someone’s bound to get suspicious.”

She held out a large t-shirt of Jeremy’s and a pair of Fred’s old cargos. They were in college, millions of miles away, and probably forgot they owned these particular items of clothing.

“Here,” she offered them to the stranger; he nodded his head and took them.

She almost laughed as he inspected the clothing, turning them over and over. At the glimpse of her smile, he smiled himself and Jadyn blushed and pinned her eyes to the floor. A soft finger pulled her chin up to eye level, and once again Jadyn fell into the stranger’s emerald eyes, swimming in a short of dreamy haze, her headache and worries melting into oblivion. The slamming of the front door shattered it.

“Jadyn, Jadyn you there, I just had to go pick up your brother, I can’t believe you left him. I’ve told you, time and time again, that you have to make sure you go home with Mikey.” Her mother’s voice rang through the quiet house.

For an instant Jadyn was frozen in fear, the stranger looked almost frightened. With a saddened burst of speed she grabbed him, shoved him down the hall into her room and shut the door.

Trying to push the stray hairs out of her face, she went to go face her mother.

“Hey, mom, sorry Alice, you know Alice, Katee’s sister, she got sick again and Katee had tutoring so I offered to take her home.”

Well she had to come up with something.

“Where is Mikey anyway mom?” It was curiously silent without her six year old brother.

“Over at Trish’s with her boys Alan and Jack.”

“Oh.”

Lillian Teel paraded past her daughter into the kitchen, “I still have to go back to work, so will you pick him up at seven, can I count on you to do just that. And don’t let him eat too much candy either. It’s not good for him.”

Jadyn just stood there hoping the blood dotted towel and the mess in the bathroom would go unnoticed.

“Jesus Christ, Jadyn Evelin River Teel what in god’s name happened here?”

Well she missed the towel.

Her mother stood lording over the doorway into the bathroom, looking sickly at the mess Jadyn had made.

“This better be cleaned up soon young lady, or I’ll or I’ll…” Lillian Teel looked almost too angry for words.

Jadyn spoke quietly, “I’ll clean it up now mom.”

“I dearly hope so,” even her nostrils were flaring.

Jadyn bent down to pick up the boxes and shampoo bottles that had ended up on the floor. Her mother stormed out, shutting the door loudly as she left.

Jadyn hurried to her room, hoping that the stranger hadn’t heard all of that, but when she opened the door the stranger was gone, and his very peculiar looking pants were folded on her bed. On top of the brown legging type pants was a metal chain, some kind of silver she thought, but it sparkled in the light, turquoise and cobalt, the colors of the ocean Jadyn had only seen in pictures. At the end of the chain dangled a stone, a turquoise and jade shard. Carved into the surface was a spiral circle. Jadyn picked up the chain admiring it; it was so beautiful more beautiful than anything else she’d ever seen. She was overwhelmed with awe as if looking at it sent her into a trance. Captivated by its radiance and the light that seemed to shine from within, Jadyn then clasped the pendant and chain around her neck, the shard just disappearing under the neckline of her jumper. The same warm, tingly feeling from before prickled her flesh, wrapping tightly around her, and she felt safe as all the questions she had, and all the worries she had, just instantly disappeared. She absently wondered where the handsome stranger ran off to, maybe, she thought, back home. Yes, she smiled, back home.

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*the first two lines of Emily Dickinson's poem 'I felt a funeral in my brain'

I hope I fixed everything.

CL

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Chapter Two

The long dark hours of waiting set in, Jadyn didn’t want to go out just yet. Scenes haunted her of all the little kids in their costumes mauling her for candy and Mikey was bound to like a few extra hours at his party. Jadyn twirled the chain in her hand, the pendant resting in the cup of her palm.

I never asked his name, moreover I never offered mine.

When she had picked up the pants to hide them from her mother they smelled of fresh earth, trees, and brisk salt air. This made her wonder even more where in fact the stranger had come from. The minutes ticked by on the clock and Jadyn lay on the worn couch surrounded by all the questions the stranger posed.

Who is he? Where is he from? What is his name? What language does he speak? How is it that he is not more hurt? What happened when the car hit him?

Lots of questions floated around her, until at six thirty she wandered down to Carmel St. to pick up her brother.

Katee found her walking down Elm towards Carmel.

“Hey Jad, wait up. What the hell happened today? I mean you just walked out of class?”

Yes, that has crossed my mind a few times.
Mostly I’m trying to forget.


Katee appeared by her side, blond hair in braided pigtails.

Jadyn shrugged at her friend.

“Hey Princess Leia, ditcher.” Soren was suddenly there too, wicked smile and all.

Katee sent Soren a dark look.

“I’ve got to pick up Mikey.” Jadyn said to fill the dull air as they walked down the street.

“So,” Soren nudged Jadyn in the elbow, “you finally walked out.”

Jadyn shrugged again.

“Serves the old bitch right,” he replied almost laughingly.

“What will she do? I mean she’ll call your mom right? But hey, I bet she was mad.” Katee asked as they made there way down the lighted street towards Trish Jensen’s.

“I dunno.” Jadyn murmured.

“Oh come on Jad, you walked out in the middle of class. You did it finally. Why aren’t you reveling in it?” Katee chattered on.

“I don’t think Jadyn here wants to revel in it.” Soren added, only to get a wide-eyed disbelieved stare from Katee.

Something flashed out of the corner of her eye, something bright though very familiar.

Jadyn thought it was the trick of the light, but she suddenly felt very funny. Like someone had just turned her stomach over, and a sour taste crept up into her mouth. She walked up to Trish Jensen’s to pick up Mikey. Her brother came barreling out of the house will a large pillowcase full of candy and treats. He waved goodbye to the two young boys who crowed at the door, Trish came out side to talk with Jadyn.

“Hi, Jadyn I just wanted to say, tell you mom Mikey can come over whenever he wants.”

“I’ll tell her that.”

“Bye Mikey.”

Mikey smiled, he always had liked Trish Jensen.

“Hey Mikey get enough candy?”

Mikey nodded, the dimples showing when he grinned widely.

“Hey Jadyn, you know that guy’s been staring at you for like forever.” Katee announced, gesturing with her head to across the street.

In the dark, behind a burned out street lamp, the stranger stood in her brothers’ clothes, staring at her, his eyes bright and shining.

“Come on, let’s just go.” She turned around and let her brother and her friends the other way.

The presence came again like someone was creeping up on her, Jadyn turned sharply.

The stranger was right behind her, steeping lightly in his bare feet.

Jadyn stopped her brother and friends and spoke slowly, “I don’t even know what you’re name is? I don’t know who you are?”


She pointed at herself. “I’m Jadyn.”

The stranger cocked his head and listened but didn’t reply. After a few moments of complete silence he pointed to the stop sign above them.

“You’re name is Stop?” Jadyn fought the urge to laugh.

“Come on Jad, let’s leave this freak and get on.” Soren was tugging on her arm; Katee had grabbed a hold of Mikey and was tugging on him to stop looking at the stranger.

Jadyn didn’t know what to say, as she was pulled off and the stranger disappeared from sight.

“Who was that creep?” Katee looked to Jadyn.

“I dunno.”

“Well, here’s your place, I’ve got to get on home too.” Soren said before turning to leave.

“Me too.” Katee shrugged her shoulders and followed.

“Bye guys.”

Mikey waved before he bounded up the steps into the complex.




“I’m bored.” Mikey again interrupted her, this time he was in front of the TV. Right where she could see anything.

“Move it Mikey, I’m trying to watch ER, go play your gameboy or something.”

“Already did.” Mikey scowled at her.

“Find something else to do.”

“Don’t wanna.”

“And mom said don’t eat all your candy.”

He stuck his pink tongue out at her.

Sometimes, Jadyn hated having siblings.

But before she could chase him away, their mother came home.

“Jadyn, Mikey I’m home!”


Lillian Maken Teel bustled in to the kitchen, making a loud racket as she put groceries away. Jadyn’s headache was back, it felt as if someone was pounding nails deep into her skull.

“Did you clean up the bathroom like I told you, Jadyn? ... and Michael go wash your hands for supper.” Their mother parroted.

“Yes mom.”

“Yes mom.”

Jadyn made her way into the kitchen. Her mother was getting out a pan and in her hands was a box of Hamburger Helper.

“Make dinner, will ya hon. I gotta work.”

Her mother fled leaving Jadyn with the cooking. Jadyn was always left with cooking and as long as it was from some box, with detailed written instructions she could make it. Making stuff out of the box was easy, all you had to do was follow directions, dump the ingredients in the pan, and not burn anything. She succeeded and she served dinner at their small dining room table. The wood table rocked slightly as she put the pan down on the tattered, purple coaster.

“Where did you get that from...more like who gave it to you?” Her mother’s eyes were fixed on the pendant, as Jadyn sat down. Food forgotten on the large serving spoon, suspended in midair.

Think fast Jad.

“Uh...Katee gave it to me.” Jadyn lowered her eyes; she had always been a horrible liar.

“I didn’t see it earlier.”

“I saw her when I went to pick up Mikey,” Jadyn murmured.

Her mother seemed content with the answer and went back to her dinner.

Mikey’s voice shattered the uneasy silence like a baseball breaking window glass, “No you didn’t. She didn’t give you anything.”

“She gave it to me before I got you.” Jadyn wanted to smack her brother but refrained.

“No she didn’t.” Mikey whined.

Their mother remained silent.

“Let me see that.”

Her mother put her fork down and reached towards the pendant.

Jadyn jumped up so fast she gave herself whiplash.

“It’s mine!” She said forcefully.

Jadyn couldn’t let her mother have it, she just couldn’t. It was the stranger’s, and someday he’d want it back.

A wave of queasiness overwhelmed Jadyn and she faltered in her stance.

“But it’s mine.” She stated firmly when her mother reached out again, and opened her small mouth to say something.

The queasiness didn’t subside, and dizziness swept over her. She faltered, taking a step backwards.

Suddenly she was falling. It felt as if she was out of her body and watching herself fall towards the floor.

Her mother was screaming, “Jadyn, Jadyn!”

When she hit the floor will a loud smack, all faded into darkness.

look I REWROTE! YAY!

CL

thanks a bunch guys, I still have so much to fix, I'm working on it as fast as I can.

Oh and yes, thought processees on why she takes the stranger into her home are first on the agenda, after I finish all my mistakes.

Emotion tension, I am debating about, I am trying to create a colorless world that she lives in, except for the park. And I am going to be writing more about her being in a sort of dazed mood all throughout the day.

About the ditching school, I was trying to write that she didn't even think on that, maybe I'll have one of the friends bring it up.

thanks for the help, CL

User avatar
Griffinkeeper
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I think you should give a more convincing reason why she took a complete stranger into her home.

Not that it shouldn't happen, I'd just like to see her thought process. He could be a child molester or a criminal for all she knows. Why is she throwing caution into the wind? You might want to go into more depth.

I also think you should go into more depth concerning her ditching school. Have her get in a shouting match with her teacher. Some real emotional tension.

I should also point out that (while the teachers can't prevent students from leaving campus) they can tell parents that their children have left campus. I think it would be much more difficult to help this guy out.

thanks. yeah when i wrote this yesterday it was me trying to get ideas down as fast as I could. I'll revise it soon. ick i hate the paragraph after the dream at the beginnning. that will be soon to change.

thanks. CL

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ohhewwo
Review
ohhewwo wrote a review · Wed Apr 27, 2005 4:50 am

Okay, this was semi-good. Lemme tell you why it was only semi-good.

The beggining got my attention. The, after Jadyn woke up, it got boring. The story continued like that (boring, interesting, boring, interesting...) until the end.

And, yes, the grammar and spelling is pretty terrible. I recommend editing this post so that it's a little more readable.

I would definately read more, as long as it held my interest. You've got a good idea here. Don't give up on it quite yet.



I have been impressed with the urgency of doing. Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Being willing is not enough; we must do.
— Leonardo da Vinci